For those of you who don’t
know, the BFCE has been busy in the baby-making
department. After a nominal, yet concentrated,
amount of effort, there will be yet another member
of the BFCE family. In other words, Mrs. BFCE is
knocked up. And YES, I’m the dad.
One of the interesting things
about getting pregnant is that people want to know
what the sex of the baby. And they’re insistent –
like little interrogators just waiting to stick a
lamp over your head and rap you on the knuckles with
a cane. I’m not sure why people
need to know this. It really is an invasion of
privacy. Maybe that’s why they do it. Having a baby
opens the door to discovering the tremendous thirst
of perfectly normal strangers to presage the birth
of your child. It’s like a bizarre cottage industry
that pays no money yet people take tremendous pride
in being right. Kind of like getting the answers
right when playing Jeopardy at home, except that you
don’t have to yell at your TV set.
The problem is, nature doesn’t
actually deliver you the answer for about 9 months.
That’s where the paths of science, pregnancy
planning and old wives tales all cross. There are
three possible outcomes to having a baby – boy,
girl, hermaphrodite and transgender. For the time
being, we’ll leave the last two alone – I have
enough issues without bringing THAT into the
discussion.
Given our intense curiosity
about the sex, we sought several opinions, as
follows:
Superstitions that
pointed towards a girl include:
Morning sickness, all day
long – Unlike our first pregnancy (a boy), Mrs.
BFCE was (and continues) to be beset with a number
of fine pregnancy-related sickness issues. We won’t
go into the gory details, except to say that I’m
glad it was not me. How women put up with this, I’ll
never understand. Why people associate morning
sickness with having a girl, I’ll leave to the
sociologists….but I have theories – the mention of
any of which will cause a number of months of
couch-sleeping time.
VERDICT: GIRL
This one is different –
Mrs. BFCE insisted that, since everything about this
pregnancy was so different, that the baby must be a
girl. Which, if you have ever lived with a woman, is
a completely logical way to look at things.
VERDICT: GIRL
Chinese Fertility Calendar
– This little device, in use for thousands of years,
predicted a girl. Then again, it predicted a girl
for our first child – a boy. It also said that the
BFCE should have been a girl. Which explains a lot.
I suppose I should rest easier about my Barbie,
fashion and flower arranging fixations.
VERDICT: GIRL
There were, however, a couple
of new, family-centric superstitions that pointed
towards a boy.
The Peter Frady Sex
Prediction Method (PFSPM) – The PFSPM is a
theory created by my older bother, Peter. Now, some
understanding of Peter is in order. Peter has John
Travolta’s looks (bastard!), Jessie Jackson’s
enunciation and Don King’s ability to make up words
that sound like they should be found in the
dictionary but aren’t.. The PFSPM goes something
like this…”If you want a boy, you’ve got to get her
all hot and bothered. And I’m not talking’ warm, but
for the box to have a certain fire-engine-scocity.
Hot! Then, once it is raised to the appropriate
temperature, and only then, you get on it. And no
two minute fire drill. You have to work it like you
mean it. Oil-well style. Like you’re churning
butter. Then you’ll have a boy. If you want a girl,
just flip her over, stick it in, and fall asleep.
Maybe even get up and leave before she wakes up.”
Clearly, the PFSPM has
sociological ramifications that I am not prepared to
discuss. But it makes a certain amount of sense. It
provides a reasonable explanation why men are
lunatics – they were born in a fire-cauldron and
cannot help themselves. As well as why women are,
generally more under control than men.
But the PFSPM also provides a
biological explanation for gay (hot rod, cold oven)
and lesbian (hot oven, not enough churning)
children. So much for that nature versus nurture
crap.
The problem with this theory is
in gathering the necessary information to make the
appropriate call. Because if you believe what men
tell you, all they would ever have is boys. But just
let me say this about the BFCE – the C does not
always stand for Comedy. Anytime Vegas is involved,
you know things re going to get crazy.
VERDICT: BOY
The BFCE BGB Theory –
The BFCE has his very own theory. It’s called the
Big Giant Butt (BGB) Theory. If you’re pregnant, and
swell up like the Hindenburg, chance are you’re
having a girl. If you manage to get a big stomach
yet maintain a reasonably fine booty, it’s probably
a boy. This also explains the relative weight-gain
problem areas of men and women. Again, genetic. In
this case Mrs. BFCE, despite being pregnant, looks
pretty damn fine.
VERDICT: BOY
So the day of the ultrasound
arrives. And the verdict is – BOY! Yep, once again
the PFSPM has proven correct. Two for two. No
disrespect to you dads of girls, but follow the
PFSPM and you shall have the boy you so secretly
desire.
The best part of finding this
out was relaying to my brother that his theory once
again proved correct. It was like he won the
reproductive Nobel prize. I could feel him strutting
right through the phone. It went something like
this…
“Well, my bruttthhha, you may
be the more comedically gifted sibling, yet I am the
one indubitably etched with the loveliness of love
and all things love. I did not ask for this level of
carnival knowledge – yes, I know I said carnival,
because love is like a carnival. Just be careful and
don’t let the candy get all over your face – and
look out for the midgets. And congratulations! You
may not have much in the way of hair or musculature,
but you have once again ably delivered the goods to
your lady love…”
So there you have it. Just
remember the BGB and PFSPM theories, plan
accordingly, and you too can have the child of your
choice.
Oh yes - it's a boy! As if
there were any doubt!
