The Indoorsman!

Life in California is great. The Weather is beautiful and you can pursue almost any sport year round. The sun shines 300 days a year. On the other 60 days, the sun eventually makes a cameo to remind one of why it is famous.

As a result of the munificent sunshine, bodies (those cases we live in) in California are significantly better than anywhere else in the country. Florida is defeated due to the presence of one too many refugees from Yonkers. Hawaii goes down due to the fact that Poi does not grow natively in the OC. Vegas is defeated because it is aflame approximately four months of the year. It may be a dry heat, but so is an oven. Then again, the dry climate does cause silicone to lighten, providing the proverbial gift that just keeps on giving.

You would think that – given the cornucopia of outdoor activities in So. Cal, that the BFCE would be dragging his narrow ass over one of any multitude of obstacle courses. Or learning to hang 10 at world famous San Onofre. Or perhaps using a bicycle for something more than a clothes rack. That assumption is wrong.

In fact, the BFCE has developed an entirely new personality – The Indoorsman. The reason is simple – the indoors are better than the outdoors. By a landslide – which, of course cannot happen indoors! Let’s check history.

Where was the BFCE born?                                                     Indoors

Where does the BFCE hope to die?                                          Indoors

Where were the BFCE’s children conceived?                          Indoors

When it rains, where is the best place to be?                           Indoors

Where are the best bars located?                                             Indoors

 The Indoorsman (Trademark in process) is much less celebrated that our outdoor brethren. Everyone is well versed with the concepts of the “rugged outdoorsman” or the “American Sportsman” – a show where they drag celebrities out into fields and then shoot animals. Which is very sporting. But this begs one question – why are there no OLD “rugged outdoorsmen?” The simple answer is that they have come to their senses and realized that it’s better inside. Either that or they’re dead. Which brings us to the litany of reasons why the outdoors is not all it’s cracked up to be…

Where are you most likely to be eaten by a bear?                      Outdoors

Drown in a drunken boating accident?                                       Outdoors

Be burned on a funeral pyre?                                                     Outdoors

Be stung by terroristic African killer bees?                                 Outdoors

Get a nasty sunburn and a related melanoma?                           Outdoors

If you’re in a hospital and in need of life saving surgery, where do they perform it? Indoors, of course. Unless you’re in any nation that ends in –stan. Then you’re likely to simply be be-headed on the spot (yet ANOTHER bad reason to go outside.) Some people will say that hospitals are indoors and that's where people get ill and die. But that's only because someone brought something nasty in from outside.

Where do you go to school? Indoors. Where do you go to the school of hard knocks? Mostly outdoors.

Where can you safely run around naked? Indoors. Mostly. Unless you’re indoors at the post office, work, the supermarket, a police station, a bar or Cub Scout meeting.

 Where things get confusing is when people try to merge the indoors with the outdoors. Take the airplane, for example. In the seat (effectively indoors), everything is fine. As soon as you’re in the seat but outside, it’s generally a sign that you will not have a smooth landing. Same with a car – once you leave the comfort of Rich Corinthian Leather, all bets on your likelihood to see tomorrow are off. Both vehicles are an attempt to simultaneously seal off the outdoors while taking advantage of the natural resources that are outside. Sort of like US foreign policy towards any country with oil.

The outside does have it’s purpose, especially here in Southern California. Because you’re not a True Indoorsman if you have to stay inside. If you’re a shut-in, a prisoner or simply live in Minneapolis during the winter, you’re usually outdoors because it’s just too dangerous to do otherwise. Having the ability to go out, but choosing not to – is the ultimate in male self-control. 

But what’s really ironic is when these so-called “outdoorsmen” actually go outside, one of the first things they do is build themselves a tidy little home/tent/blind/lean-to. If you call them on it they’ll say “of course – you need shelter!” A truer statement was never made to a REAL indoorsman.

Here’s a few more:

Where will mayonnaise go bad fastest?                                  Outdoors

Where are you most likely to “get lucky?”                                 Indoors

Where are you likely to sever a finger with a hatchet?            Outdoors

Where is the best place to see a concert?                                Indoors

Where is the worst place to see a concert?                             Outdoors with your ear pressed against the door.

We could go on like this forever – it’s that overwhelming a victory for the Indoors!

Oh yes, one more thing.

Where’s the best place to read The BFCE                                Indoors! With plumbing!