Soccer Blows

Here’s why the United States is the greatest country in the world – we think that soccer blows. And that’s good enough for the BFCE.

The finals of the MLS Cup between New England and Los Angeles was this weekend. I figured – what the hell, let’s take a look. Here’s a summary…

Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, turnover, pass, pass, pass, pass, turnover, pass, pass, bad pass, pick it up and throw it over your head, pass, pass, turnover, run, run, run, fall on the ground, hands thrown in the air, someone gets a lovely little card made of yellow, demonstrative hand shaking and finger-pointing, kick, pass, pass, pass, shot – wide of the net. Repeat ad nauseum, until boredom sets in or you get drunk and want to rip the stadium to shreds.

If this is what passes for excitement in the rest of the world, the rest of the world needs a serious syringe of adrenaline to the heart. Say what you will about soccer hooligans, but it looks like they’re just looking for something to do – especially since the players on the field look like the best aggression they could muster is a series of somewhat cutting remarks.

And here’s the irony of ironies. If you pass a strong current of air past a soccer player, they will fall on the ground and writhe like ants are eating their eyes. And referees were handing out yellow cards like they were invitations to a first grader’s birthday party. Yet the winning goal was scored when a player from LA simply jumped up – fist in the air - and knocked over the goalie. The guy who had the ball was then challenged to fire the ball into a 24 foot wide empty net. After that is was back to the boredom.

In the interest of building world relations and flying in the face of reality by trying to make soccer popular in this country, the BFCE suggests the following rule changes to increase the interest level of the American sporting fan.

(1)   You fall down, you’d better be hurt – The histrionics associated with soccer are somewhere between a four year-old temper tantrum and the acting on Baywatch. A simple rule change – you fall down like you were shot and don’t either bleed or start some serious swelling, you get ten minutes on the sideline – will put a stop to that nonsense.

(2)   Put on the foil – Soccer players are a mouthy lot. They seem to spend a lot of time jabbering about the indignities of rough play. But the best they ever seem to come up with is a half-hearted slap to the jaw. Duelers have more style. By opening the game up to fighting, you’ll (a) put a stop to that nonsense, (b) let aggressions come out and play and (c) attract the disenfranchised hockey fan. And the Canadian market is not one to sneeze at.

(3)   More substitutions – There’s nothing more pathetic than the shots of the dozen or so guys who are on the team but have no chance to play. It’s like Darko Milicic times 10. Just painful. By having an aggressive substitution pattern, you will significantly reduce hooliganism by giving the crowd something to actually think about – besides how to get as waxed as possible so you can work up the courage to urinate on the opponent’s flag - during the game. This is what people miss when they say baseball is boring – the crowd is actually thinking. Unless they’re checking out hot chick in the stands. Which brings us to…

(4)   Cheerleaders – Soccer needs excitement. Cheerleaders being excitement. There are two ex-Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who would make excellent captains for this team. We know they like sports. We know they like to get hammered. We know they like to make the beast with two backs (in the bathroom – woo-hoo!), And we know they like to fight!

(5)   90 Minutes is enough! – Every time someone falls down and cries, they stop the clock. So at the “end” of each half, more time gets added onto the clock. Only problem is, the only person who knows is the referee. And that’s just not good enough. If you want to stop the clock , then STOP THE CLOCK. How can a fan have those last few minutes of “if they win I’m gonna go nuts, then cry and hurl all at the same time” anticipation if you don’t know when the game ends? Extra time is hooligan time! Cut it out.

(6)   Never let France be champion again – For this, you will forever win the hearts of America. Not to mention the hordes of immigrants who are finally discovering that body odor is not enough to make you French.

By implementing these rules, soccer will leapfrog past rodeo and Texas Hold ‘Em poker as the new sport of America! Or at least Canada.