Let’s fact it, guys are suckers for marriage. The problem is, it’s usually because there’s (a) a certain amount of pressure to conform to society’s rules (the rabbit died), (b) you found someone you like and they’ve threatened leave you, (c) you’re gay and need the cover or (d) because you are “in love” and your rational mind has deserted you.

It is this last and (hopefully) largest group that needs to be spoken to. Being in love is a state where logical decisions are hard to come by (see “Letting the woman be in charge of birth control – aka, Welcome to Fatherhood”). Before you know it, your testosterone will have deserted you and you’ll find yourself in a tuxedo, surrounded by flowers. Not officially dead, but well on your way.

What would be helpful is a set of rules that provides a map to how to select a mate. That way, when your love brain is off planning exceptionally expensive honeymoon vacations and ignoring pre-nups, your logical man brain will have something to stab the love brain in the eye.

Here is The BFCE’s Marrying Man’s guide to Marriage. A man’s checklist with 10 simple things that – if followed appropriately – will minimize the collateral damage inflicted by the love brain. So why ten? Not because 10 is the best number, but people seem comfortable with 10. If you tell people there’s 11, they’ll start to think it’s complicated and possibly involves math – which induces apoplexy in most people. Either that or subjects you to an endless round of Spinal Tap’s “this one goes to eleven” impersonations. Which is always entertaining and will cause you to lose focus on the wisdom The BFCE is putting down.

These rules assume that you want to be married for more than a few years, preferably in a row. Notice this does not say happily married – that’s a myth created by the Harlequin Romance Company. What you’re best hoping to gain is a reasonably steady buzz that lasts for many, many years. Remember, it’s a marathon - where you die at the end.

Ready? Here goes -

# 1 – Don’t  expect too much – People who are married a long time seem to realize one thing above all others – the person they are with is not perfect. Because in nature, nothing is perfect. And whenever you think you’ve found something perfect, some clown with a pickaxe discovers an even more perfect version of what you think is already perfect. Let the unhappiness over your “loss of perfection” begin.

Remember this phrase – “I don’t get it, but it’s OK”. Men haven’t understood women since about second grade – no sense starting now.  Find someone who knows the meaning of “after all, he’s just a man.”

# 2 - A marriage license is not a therapy license – A favorite technique of many a marriage minded gal is to take a man with “warts” and then mold him into something she thinks will make her happy. Only problem is, once she gets you where she wants you to go, she finally figures out that’s not really what she wanted. For example, the woman wants her man to be a great communicator. So he tries. Becomes a better communicator. Wants to talk about 10 times as much as he used to. Then gets told “you’re just not the man I married…” The key is to find someone who likes you for who you are, not what she thinks you can become. Good luck.

#3 - Find someone who bullshit you can put up with – Let’s face it, everyone has bullshit. Whether it’s being addicted to every crap-assed reality show in existence, having sex while wearing a clown mask or a hyper-weird obsession with the Boston Red Sox, everyone has little things that some of us would consider obsessive/creepy/better left to others. The key is to find someone whose crap not only does not bother you, but that you admire and/or share. If you’re obsessed with the Sox, find someone else who either is equally obsessed or who happens to enjoy shopping while the game is on.

#4 - Always be the pretty one – Number 4 should have been number one to me. If you ain’t Brad Pitt I say “F The Pretty”. This is the trap that kills more marriages than all the others put together.

Men like pretty. Pretty gets men to do things that they normally wouldn’t do. Sort of like whacking a mule with a board –Pretty is an exceptionally effective 2x4.

If you ask most divorced men why they got married in the first place – and eliminate the ones who say “I was hammered” or “the condom broke”– they’ll say that the woman they married was the most beautiful/most sexy/had the nicest tits of any woman they had ever met. They are so far above their head, they decide to lock it down. These guys are easy to spot – the size of the ring they get is directly proportional to how far over their head they actually are. When a guy buys a small ring, it simply means that he thinks he does not need to worry because you're not as pretty as he is.

What guys forget is that hitching your star to the Pretty Galaxy is a bit like buying a Ferrari - it may be fun to abuse while you're driving to Paris, but it sucks driving around the streets of Pittsburgh.

Let’s face it, Pretty Equals Power. Let me repeat - PRETTY EQUALS POWER. Big power. Nuclear Power. When you get divorced, the pretty one does not equal the sad one. If you’re the pretty one, recovery will be much, much easier.

Listen, it happens to the best of us. When Brad Pitt was with Jennifer Anniston, he was the pretty one. And life was pretty good for ‘ol Brad. But then he made the classic man mistake of not being satisfied with good enough. Enter Angelina Jolie. Soon, our man Brad is seen with strollers, taking care of kids that aren’t even his!!!. And he’s probably now a great communicator…