The BFCE travels quite a bit. Not often for comedy, but for real work that supports the comedy habit. And in traveling so much, I have learned a few things about your home away from home - the hotel.

 

Hotels are generally judged on a 5 star system. Problem is, most people have no idea what makes a 5 star place. That's where this e-mail comes in. A little hospitality industry inside knowledge from your friends at the BFCE.

 

The most basic level of hotel-dom involves the front door of your hotel room. If it opens to the inside, you get two stars. If it opens to the outside, you get one star. Now, people are often confused by this statement. When I talk about opening to the inside, I don't mean a door that swings toward you, because they all swing toward you. The only places that I know where the doors swing away from you are prisons, elevators and mental facilities - not the most comfortable of places to willingly spend your summer vacation. What I mean is that when you open your door, you see an (enclosed) hallway. IF you open the door and see a gas station or highway, that's the outside - worth one star. Unless when you open the door you see a strip joint, a check cashing facility or a Church's Fired Chicken. Then it's no stars for you. In fact, you may want to consider the use of firearms while your fellow guests negotiate their final crack deals of the morning.

 

The second way to earn a star is through the lobby.  If you look at the furniture and think "I'd steal this if I could get away with it", it probably earns itself a star. If there's a cage between you and the person taking your money, then no star is earned. Again, firearms may be helpful in this particular arena. If the lobby is big - and has reasonably comfortable places to sit - it earns a star. If the lobby also doubles as dining room for the "continental breakfast", then there' s no star. Unless their continental breakfast involves Krispy Kreme donuts. KK's are always good for a point - sort of like hotel extra credit.

 

The third way to earn a star is the quality and quantity of the bathroom toiletries. The more junk, the better. Especially the lotion. Because it gets lonely on the road. But I digress. If your hotel is offering Pert, White Rain or any shampoo that smells like an aisle at Target, then there's no star. Bath salts and European-esque shampoos clearly earn a star. Good stuff. Especially when the lotion runs out. If there's a sign that says "if you've forgotten anything, please call and we'll bring it" , it simply means the hotel is too cheap to give it to everyone. Having to expose your chronic forgetfulness is order to procure a toothbrush is cruel - hence, no star.

 

The fourth way to earn a star is, of course, presence of a mini-bar. Because it gets lonely on the road. And the fact that if you're going to do animalistic things with the bathroom toiletries requires a copious amount of alcohol to steady one's nerves. That and the fact that nothing is more fun that blasting your way through the mini-bar, abusing yourself, tossing your cookies and then, best of all, knowing that someone else is coming to clean this problem up. HINT - if this happens, try to make sure it's your last day in the hotel, regardless of star level.

 

The fourth and final way to earn a star is whether of not there is a bathrobe in the closet. Not one that looks like it's been stitched together from worn out towels, but a NICE bathrobe. One that's nice enough to want to steal (again, with the stealing), but too expensive to actually do so. You can usually spot these places by the fact that their nightly rate, multiply by 3, is larger than your monthly rent. For example, the silk-eque covered robe at the St. Regis is free to wear, $165 should it somehow follow you home. Any robe that carries a penalty of more than $100 earns a big 'ol star.

 

By putting the particular hotel you are staying in through this concise checklist, you will have a fine idea of what you're in for. For example, a Hilton Garden in has doors that open to the inside (2 stars), a lobby that doubles as a continental breakfast area (no stars), reasonably upscale bathroom amenities (1 star), no minibar (no stars) and no fancy robes (no star). Hence, a three star joint.

On the other hand, the Lyin' Inn opens to the outside world, right across from a highway in the shadow of a giant Spearmint Rhino neon sign (no stars), has several layers of bullet-proof plastic between you and the "manager", has soap from the previous guest, no minibar and threadbare towels. All no stars, for an overall rating of zero stars, also known as "Whitey is in trouble"

 

Try it yourself. Call a few hotels and quiz them for yourself!

If you're not busy, check other areas on this site for more joy and happiness.

 

XOXOX,

 

Bob