Last week I was doing a show (where I just happened to be very, very funny - but that's beside the point). I ran into a buddy of mine and his brother. Both very good guys and fun to hang out and talk with.

It turns out that one of the brothers is getting divorced. He knows that I've recently gone through the same thing. So we decided to chat, Oprah-style. There was much sharing, but - since we were men - we substituted punches to the shoulder in place of any real emotion.

When we got to the part where I asked him "Why are you getting divorced", he went to euphemism-land. That's the magical place where men go to describe a situation as indirectly as possible, rather than saying exactly what they think. For example, rather than say "I had sex with (insert name here)", guys will say "I put the puck in the net." This is a skill gained from many years of lying to women - first our moms, then dates then finally wives. Because we really want to say "I'm so horny - I want to do you now. Just shut up and take your clothes off," but instead we say "I really AM interested in what you have to say." Saying exactly what you think (as a man) - while usually being the shortest distance between two lines - usually leads to an exceptionally lonely and/or self-service lifestyle.

It came out that said brother had "anatomical problems" with his wife. She had one leg shorter than the other? Smelled like cologne? She had a penis ? What sort of cracker-assed problem could it be that you would pull out the "anatomical problems" card?

When pressed for more details - prodded on by shouts of "your recalcitrance is a real buzz-kill" and "just tell me already, goddamn it!"  he finally admitted that "the barn was too small for the horse."

In plain speak, they were getting divorced because his dick was too big. Apparently, getting pummeled in the midsection by a giant club on a regular basis is not the recipe for eternal happiness.

Of course, when you're with a group of guys, this sort of news cannot pass by inconspicuously. It needs to be shared. So I shouted out "OH MY GOD! That's the GREATEST DIVORCE STORY EVER!!!!" This, of course, got the attention of all of our friends. Once they found out what we were talking about, the general reaction was one of shock, then disbelief, then incredible, giddy excitement. There were more pats on the back than a Super Bowl.

But here's why this is the GREATEST DIVORCE STORY EVER! After the divorce, when he starts dating again, women will invariably ask, "Why did you get divorced?"... and that's when the fun begins. Either they'll run screaming, or they'll be tempted to see if they can tame the wild beast. Either way, he'll know the answer within minutes! It's freaking MAGIC! If he's bold, he can even make it a challenge to them, something that women absolutely love! Tell a woman that you're not sure if she can handle your johnson and before long she'll be handling your johnson. With gusto, just to prove you wrong.

This is something that should immediately be posted on his match.com profile. "I'm looking for someone smart, funny, loves long walks on the beach and has a very, very large vagina. My wife and I got divorced because of my freakish gland and I don't want to happen again." The mailbox would be FULL within days. Which is AWESOME.
 

At this point in the story, women seem to have had one of three reactions. The first is "that's such a guy thing to think is great" And they are absolutely right. Its like - in the words of the immortal Rosie Perez "sometimes, when you lose, you actually win!" The second is "Oh sure, that's what she said. She was just probably tired of having sex with him so she made this up." These woman are to be hated for their mastery of the manipulative arts. On the good news side, you can't think of this sort of thing unless you're living it. The third and final group is the "what's his phone number group." And it seems to be fairly equally distributed.

If question is, "well, how big is it?" If so, you're in group number three. Including those of you who are men.

So while the divorce is sad, etc., at least he came out of it with his dignity intact and an EXCELLENT story. Which is really the best that you can hope for. As long as your match.com profile doesn't get erased!