Part of the the benefit of friends is that they accept you for your flaws. So you never really know how addled you are, primarily because your friends either like you (and forgive the behavior) or keep you around to remind themselves of just how awful certain personality characteristics exist. Yes ladies, I've been watching more what you think I am over the last several years - I know how you keep the "personality" friend around to make you feel better about yourselves. But female dynamics are not what we're here to discuss...not directly, anyway.

In the past year, I've had several friends step up and try to introduce me to single (ish) women they know. Or have at least heard about. Usually through people THEY either don't like much or don't even know.

On the one hand, I am eternally grateful for their efforts - it shows that they care and that they want for me to be happy.

On the other hand,  I believe that all of my friends truly believe that I am insane. I know this because they have set me up with some of the kookiest characters this side of Courtney Love. In fact, some of these set-ups make Courtney look like she was raised lashed to a bedpost with a copy of "How To Cook Anything." Crazy is like global warming - people don't want to believe it exists, but there's mounting evidence to support the claim..

But the worst part of dating via friends is reporting back to them - the very next day - what happened. And they can't wait to hear what happened. They will call you at 6 AM  just to see if they can hear the other person's voice in the background. Which is either a testament to the closing skills of The BFCE or the loose waistband of the person I've been set up with. And they always start with "Did I wake you (heh, heh, heh) or were you already busy?"

While their intentions are good, it can be a bit like asking a gunshot victim how he fells while he's still leaking blood from the wound. Sometimes he'll tell you, but you're not going to get such great perspective. Because a bad date is like that - you're leaking emotional blood, thinking you're going to die and cursing the person who hooked you up with this unfortunate sample of the opposite sex.

But the REALLY worst part of dating via friends is that - after you have rejected one or two of their "perfect" candidates, they being to look at you as the problem. Well... duh? If someone is so desperate to actually accept one of your suggestions, don't you thing that person is already broken down? Because it's not like single people walk around every day wishing to get hooked with with other people you have a huge blind spot for. Or like married people have stockpile of single friends - single people who hang around married people are either (a) divorced, (b) true gluttons for punishment or (c) deathly afraid of actually dating.

Here's the kicker - if a man hooks you up, he's basically telling you one three things -

1. I'd like to bang her, but the wife would be pissed - you're my stand-in
2. I banged her, but she's not for me.
3. I'd never date her, but she's probably good enough for you.

If a woman hooks you up, here's what she's thinking -

1. I know you really want me - here's someone like me, only not as good.
2. I actually hate this girl. Going out with you would be a great punishment!
3. I actually hate YOU. I know this girl's a really crazy bitch. Good luck.

So here's what you should do if someone - your friend -  tries to hook you up with a friend -

If you're a guy, say the following -

1. Does she have a big mouth? I mean, physically large?
2. Is she rich? If so, does she pay?
3. Does she put out early, or am I going to have to lie for three dates?

If you're female, spout the following -

1. I really, really, really, really, really, really , really want to get married.
2. My last boyfriend was SO small - all the girls had a good laugh about that one !
3. How much does he make? Is he generous?

At least if you ask these qualifying questions, you'll be sure to get crazy - but at least it's the kind of crazy you can live with!

Married people - if you want to help your single friends out, do not  - I repeat do not - hook them up on a solo date. Go and have yourself a party. Mix all the singles together. Then get hammered like it was 1984.